Well, lets just get it out there that there is some significance in the holidays making people all fucked up. And this year I’m participating in the holidays way more than I usually do because i found the actual essence of the holidays touching. so after renouncing them for many years, I have started to enjoy them. But this year, the end of some weird era, I am also one of the weirdos.
My past has been literally knocking on my door, past boyfriends from over 20 years ago, past issues, depression waiting anxiously to have its turn, as its been dormant for almost a whole year.
Time is a man made thing and we really dont understand it or the concept without time. Because, the past can come and just knock on your door like it was 2 minutes ago.
I was thinking this holiday season how if I was gone, there wouldn’t be too much impact in the world. I am relatively unattached to anything materially or emotionally (children, debt, marriage). I am not carrying any of this around which at first made me a little sad but not like suicidal. However a friend mentioned to me that she being in a similar boat was HAPPY that she didnt have these ties, that the footprint left on the earth will be small. I realized and rather happily that I have little attachment to worldly things. I have been pursuing a spiritual life and if you go practice being all spiritual and shit, having baggage is something you let go of to be free.
So I am relatively very free. And sometimes that presents a lonely life.
And this realization comes on the heels of my past coming up and slapping me around a bit, challenging me, inviting me to take on some baggage that is very old and dusty and leaves me wondering why the hell it came up.
Then I look at what is going on in my life and if this provides more opportunity to de baggage myself, I’m taking it.
Regardless of the blech in my body not wanting to deal with any part of the past. Even though MOST of the past coming up was positive in some way, the past is something you feel you put to rest and it resides nicely on a timeline….you know?
(btw: this is a note for myself, all of 4 of them were a flame in various points in my life dating back over a span of 30 years)
