simply put, I still miss him

what can i say? he was my brother.  I loved him first out of anyone unconditionally.  He was very cool.  Weda been friends forever, tight.  close.  stuck up for, challenged and just out and out understood the undercurrent that wasn’t whispered.

Its an admission of being human.  I do feel close to and want to believe that everything is energy, which can symptomatically remove emotions. But in all reality, the over 6 foot tall bony, sinewy strong body that yes, i missed that physical presence..  Under nourished and superbly strong. no fear.  No fear. me: no fear.  it resonated between us and I had more balls in my youth than i do now, although some people might argue.  they didn’t know me then.

it helped me have strength, courage, carry on, carry heavy weights as if they were light.  Now, not so much. I don’t know if its time or wisdom, but  I bend with weight of heavy thoughts.  I wonder sometimes if I”m out of “practice” that I am now weak when I see the power house I was when he was here.

despite everything I’ve become since then, its a very very simple thing:  I miss his light, his presence his effervescent energy that brought electricity to situations.  Thats all, simply put.

wanting out

I had such a wonderful week living in a mansion for a few days in the pristine South Beach of Miami.  AAAAAHHHH.  Birds making loud noises, pretty and vivid flowers blooming everywhere.  Geckos running all over the sidewalks and hanging out by the pool.  Huge palms waving back and forth in the breeze, the moon…about to literally fall out of the sky, looking like a round waterdrop.  The fountains lazily dripping water playfully into its basins.  Marble, granite, my own house I get to stay in which was bigger than the place I currently have. Beach, spa, superb food.  AAAAAHHHH, DIS is de LIIIIIFE.

Sleep was a big problem unfortunately, laying in a down comfy bed with the perfect temperature and a quiet area.

Lack of sleep can change you.  I am not the cheery happy person I usually am without sleep.  I had a lot of unexpected lack of sleep.  When I got back to the throes of “reality” which isn’t BAD in any way, I was hateful, and most of me wanted to get rid of the body I was in.  Such an encumberence! Such an interesting experience after several hours of sleep later.

I knew my problem so I hung onto the strand of me that said “just for now life is like this, just deal with it now.”. Course I did, but looking back, the memory of that feeling inside me.  I am not sure I’ve ever really felt that way before. I’ve heard people say things like that, but I never understood.  I am positive the aging thing is a part of this whole feeling I have, but maybe not.  I’ve never really discussed it.

Such a contrast of awesomeness I experienced to wanting to be rid of ANYTHING material.  Hmmmm.

BREAKTHROUGH….a small one.

Guess what.

So heres something interesting for people to take note of.

I was told on 2 different occasions yesterday that I was GLOWING and beautiful.

I was hardly wearing makeup, and a little dishevled.  But I had quit my job and the relief of this burden of staying somewhere I was not fit for anymore had become a physical cancer for me.  It took the life out of me because of staying with something that made me miserable.

I dont know about the future, but the amazing validation I received from the people saying how i looked proved to me that I had made the right decision.  The incredible weight lifted off me and it 100% showed in my face.  In the way I carried my body, up higher.

I know not many people read this blog, but one thing:  if you dont follow what your heart, your GUT says, it will eventually completely pull you down into a static place, making you oblivious to what you could be doing.  Closing one door can open many others.

Leap of Faith….

belief is the umbilical cord.

Herrre I go.  About to take leap of faith in

ME.

Just me.  My net is belief.  Belief that all this nebulous “feeling” I have inside that there is abundance and that the universe will give what one asks for.

I know it happens, I’ve manifested and

I’m so scared.  Living a life of self doubt in a society that commands you hide your weakness, and I could go on and on about my own internal set of “rules” that I am throwing away because

They don’t fit anymore.

I have lostfear gainedconfidence

That I do have the ability to create my perfect life.

Steps I am making now are so incredible compared to what I felt years before.  I would have never just decided to up and quit my job and

not have another thing lined up.  I am taking an official break, with no income.  Without the almighty greenback behind me, supporting me.  I am now 100% going to be self supported with no real plan.

Scared.

Scared? Dunno, maybe not the right word.

Excited? Yes, because in my gut, in spite of what caring friends have expressed about me moving into unemployment at a time where the economy isn’t fabulous.  It isn’t personal, it is their own inner rules that are coming out.  I know, because I have those same rules (and some rather masochistic ones) singing to me like a choir sometimes.

I have lived a life filled with my internal rules, societies rules, religious rules, parental rules, all these almost unspoken rules! I have refrained from many things and gone to excess with others due to these dang RULES.  I am tired of these stupid rules.

What makes sense?

Energy.

Einstein put it succinctly when he said:

“Everything is energy and that’s all there is to it.  Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality.  It can be no other way.  This is not philosophy.  This is physics.”

I do believe we are all energy.  I do believe there is a beautiful science to our spirituality.  It is combined.  And we are all connected.  So the more we can help ourselves match the frequency we want, we will see so many people join in on that energy level.  This means discarding rules set that don’t fit within our personal frequency. this also means you move your energy to believing it is so.

As they say in south America:  The emperor shines like the one spirit you cannot discern.

Ok, I made that quote up.

And now, folks, a wonderful meaningful song by that amazing spirit: SEAL

3 Months, Anti Anxiety Med Free, Withdrawls and learnedness

There are things you end up learning all alone by yourself.  I read up on all of the effects I could have had going off Citalopram, which was a generic form of Cilexia.  I had all the symptoms that are naturally posted like the “brain zaps” and such.  However my decision to quit was calculated by where I determined my strength to be inside emotionally.  I knew I couldn’t quit unless I was in a strong, good, healthy place emotionally.

I could have done it in a season (spring, summer) where I am most happy but it just was time near the end of the fall.  I could have gone off in doses and watched by a doctor, but I chose cold turkey.  I knew nothing else would do.

Well, because of the choice of cold turkey instead of tapering, I knew i’d clean my system out faster.  However, I do have side effects even 3 months later.  Almost 4 years on the stuff.  Suddenly yesterday and this morning I’m experiencing the infamous brain zaps.  Mild, yes, but a reminder that I STILL have that stuff running through my system.  IF YOU are quitting or whatever and feel like it aint possible, this stuff does work its way through your system.  I will be going on a liver cleanse for a month to make sure to RESET my over worked liver to a better place and I know that will help with cleaning this residual out of my system.

I will NOT say the drug is bad, it put me in a better place for about 4 years, but then I am happy enough and have found enough skills and knowledge that its just not necessary any more. I think the decision of going ON Citalopram was a step in gathering the tools necessary to help put me in the right place.

I guess more than anything, I want to share something people dont talk about except in forums.  I personally chose to GO ON and GO OFF the drug.  I knew that, going off, there would be a half life.  I recognized when I was really really tired, i would get the zaps.  ALL that brain zap stuff taught me also to fucking take care of myself.  OK< I’m tired.  GO TO BED.

I now monitor my emotions.  This is one of the skills gained wile ON Citalopram.  If something in me is triggered emotionally in a negative way, I am hyper aware of it and will do things to remedy this instead of letting it go, letting it grow into this uncontrollable whirlwind inside of me dragging me down.

I would never suggest someone just choose to go off cold turkey.  I do think it is intelligent to taper.  My choice was a strategic one made at a time where I knew I would have the support to get me through these things (mentally and emotionally).  Making those kinds of decisions means you have a very intimate and close relationship with SELF.  You would have to know those boundaries.

Sharing, that it may take 4-6 months to really be free for the average joe, and maybe even longer considering how your liver is doing and how you are living life.  So today as the brain zaps come and go, I’ll know its my liver getting rid of some of this ole junk.

Lastly, I do agree that depression can be a chemical imbalance. I also feel like depression is curable.  I have cured mine.  MY WHOLE LIFE I have had depression.  I cant remember going without my old friend depression that usually hangs out with me about 6 months out of the year.  This past year?  Not a single drop.  Not that I wasnt BLAH, or bummed, or feeling sad or whatever, but not even a month did my friend depression visit.  I know because I took control of my life and how I viewed it, that depression instead is something that yeah, I realize it was self care.  Hard to admit that when I felt overwhelmed, my initial reaction would be to pull in, to disappear, to hide (even if it didn’t show on the outside), to self care.

Once I found other ways to “self care”, such as saying NO when I need to for myself, to rest when needed. If my immune system feels weak, don’t expose myself to bacterial infected people!

Simply put, if you learn how to take care of your self, these types of medication can be eliminated.  EVEN though I believe I had a chemical balance, I think it was more emotional imbalance.

I hope hope that this can help at least one person.

a pretty sight: Vegas: not for everyone, but here are some likes.

This picture is how i’d like to remember vegas.  Its beauty and splendor.  Its replication and magnification.  I feel so tiny when walking the strip.  A block is at least a 5 minute walk and usually ONE casino resides on a full block.

things I’d like to NOT remember in vegas:

The nude 60 year old I saw as I walked out on my balcony of the “affordable” hotel i was staying at.  Affordable apparently means “clothing optional”.  I was not aware of this option, otherwise I might have chosen elsewhere.

Or the many thousands upon thousands of baseball sized cards with women’s boobies on it with the nipples starred out for a live girlie show.

Not the places where someone scratched their ass before they served your food and you have either the option of picking hepetits or food poisoning for your weightloss meal of choice.

Not the 700 people in line to get into the most hot spot in vegas to see some cartoon tool spin odd music and wear techno colors and threads and attire of the 80′s.

Not the tons of money spent on an addiction, or the nights that fade into day because there are no change in the interior lights.  Not the poverty, or the amazing amounts of water used for absolutely lush illustrious noneuseful things.

I find it rather hard to enjoy Las Vegas.  It is not for me.  And the times I visit, its for an industry related trade show filled with young men wanting to gamble, look at hot women and party.

Vegas is such crazy extravagence just burning fossil fuel, wasting brains.  That is my view and I do realize its not exactly the one Vegas would like for me to have and I”m not all that thrilled that I can like very much there.

What did i like when I have been in vegas?

I got a private viewing of the best view of the strip at the Foundation Room.  Been there too many times, though.

The show O was fantastic.

The Hard Rock is a great and inexpensive place to stay.  The penthouses are crazy, with pool tables and almost 360 views of the city.

The TAO is by far one of my all time favorite restaraunts, with the Chilean bass being a signature.  Their club is AMAAAAZING.

I love the view atop the RIO.

the Buffalo exhange there beats almost anywhere, because there are people always filing through trends.

It is fun shooting a machine gun.

there is a fantastic little (little being comparitive to large restaraunts in vegas) italian restaraunt, where the owner STILL SINGs!!  I cant remember the name but have met the owner on more than one occasion out there.

Trumps hotel doesn’t allow smoking OR children! OR GAMBLING!  all things I am cool with not allowing.

the pools i enjoy if I ever get a moment to A. be outside, and B.  its warm enough.

there is lots of sun if I ever get to see it.

You can catch a cab at any time of the 24 hour day.

quiet joy

Sometimes joy isn’t an outburst of emotion.  Sometimes it is sitting back quietly and feeling it wash over you.

Quiet joy is what i’m feeling today.  Finally the things I’ve been wanting, waiting to happen are coming to an easy fruition, lining up as if they were the stars, knowing the next step, the next play on this chessgame of life.

Quiet joy of a Sunday morning spent accomplishing little tasks that make my life better for me.  Taking the moments to appreciate what I have and what is yet to come.

The quiet joy that peace, warmth, quietude, soft music, wonderful scents, plush textures and sunshine can bring.

The quiet joy of knowing that the universe is there, the net is there.  The quiet joy of knowing the next step is the leap, the jump, the fall off the ledge, the edge.  That very moment.  The pause before the amazing ride.  This is where I sit and breathe today, lining up my future as if there was ever a question that I would do anything different.  As if its been an innate thing inside of me always guiding.  Many times to this point i have felt absolutely lost.  And I’m sure the process will run its cycle, but the clarity that joy has provided is resonnating, eminating.

Tomorrow, the jump begins.

And the seeking continues in 2012

I read this quote this morning;

“To come to know that nothing is good, nothing is bad, is a turning point; it is a conversion. You start looking in; the outside reality loses meaning. The social reality is a fiction, a beautiful drama; you can participate in it, but then you don’t take it seriously. It is just a role to be played; play it as beautifully, as efficiently, as possible. But don’t take it seriously, it has nothing of the ultimate in it.” Osho

This experience of  not being involved in the extreme emotions of life is such a surreal feeling.  Its hard not to get involved.  It is almost like being drunk if you can think of that.  Fuzzy a little.  There is a quietness about it that is not what I would consider normal.  I FEEL like i should be FEELING but its a quieter one.  It allows for redirection and adjustment.  It is also frustrating because I’m an emotional being and this is a lessening of being so emotional and dramatic.  But across the board I’m happier, so it is something that I’m going to continue to entertain.

I LOVE people passionately and I LIVE passionately more times than not, but it doesn’t mean that I am IN the despairs of life.  It means life becomes more of

Music.  To be played by you.  You are the instrument and you can choose to play however you want.  This is YOUR music, your song.  Your song is a part of the embodiement of all songs in this earth to be heard.  You can create many songs in ONE song.

I feel like I”m fine tuning my instrument.  I can write my own music.  It is not anyone elses’ song to write.

so is yours.

I took the Trash out today – 1

I’ve decided I’m going to try to do posts on days that I take the trash out and see if there is any similarity.

I did today and it was quite full, comparitively speaking, but there was a major snowstorm that happened and a major holiday.

Whatever.  I ended up having a very long conversation with a friend who is just living a complicated life.

I’m tirrrrd of complications.  I’m tirrrd of living a hard life and feeling like I need to go through hardships to really understand the endeavors of a person seeking happiness.  This rule needs to be broken. I feel that if I talk enough about it, it will just become a reality.  Why not?

Today, I took out the trash and laughed, and had playful moments and moments of reality and waiting for change to happen and all those things.  Living life.  But that conversation with my dear friend is what I’m truly grateful for.  He brought me into presence.  He was present with me.  I was able to feel good that we shared fully and openly and there was no pretention.  And I felt him relax if just for a moment.  That moment was a reflection of what i consistently want to want all the time.  That we were in flow with the moment and nothing else.

There is something incredibly relaxing about being present.  There is something that allows the moment to be shiny and perfect even in what would be considered imperfection.  (whatever imperfection is).

Christmas Spirit – Letting the spirit be with you

First year in 15 years I truly had the Christmas spirit.  I love this quote: “blessed is the holiday that brings the world together in a conspiracy of love”.  That is music to my ears.  I listened to Christmas music, I shopped the mall on a crazy day, I indulged in food and drink and talk and late nights and Christmas Family Movies, and gave more gifts and loved the snow and made jokes and laughed as loud and hard as I possibly could.  I also felt the undercurrent of sadness that seems to reside in this holiday.  I am starting to believe those feelings are souls just wanting so bad to be happy and this season really brings about the realization of how much we as humans are intertwined.

My brothers death has been so devastating to me in so many ways but I would NOT be the person I am today without all of the experiences that went along with his life and death.  And there is no way in the world he wanted me to spend years being sad over his absence.  Due to his death I had to face it in my youth and I have a completely different belief in death and its energy, and yet sometimes I miss the SHIT out of him.

But, this so long after and yes, I had viewed the christmas spirit (all the decorations, presents, cookies, carols, movies) has been sooooo materialistic, I was also able to see the true spirit even through the materialism.

This YEAR has been such a gift.  My grattitude is fully abundent. Thank you world, universe and my family of people in my life.