3 Months, Anti Anxiety Med Free, Withdrawls and learnedness

There are things you end up learning all alone by yourself.  I read up on all of the effects I could have had going off Citalopram, which was a generic form of Cilexia.  I had all the symptoms that are naturally posted like the “brain zaps” and such.  However my decision to quit was calculated by where I determined my strength to be inside emotionally.  I knew I couldn’t quit unless I was in a strong, good, healthy place emotionally.

I could have done it in a season (spring, summer) where I am most happy but it just was time near the end of the fall.  I could have gone off in doses and watched by a doctor, but I chose cold turkey.  I knew nothing else would do.

Well, because of the choice of cold turkey instead of tapering, I knew i’d clean my system out faster.  However, I do have side effects even 3 months later.  Almost 4 years on the stuff.  Suddenly yesterday and this morning I’m experiencing the infamous brain zaps.  Mild, yes, but a reminder that I STILL have that stuff running through my system.  IF YOU are quitting or whatever and feel like it aint possible, this stuff does work its way through your system.  I will be going on a liver cleanse for a month to make sure to RESET my over worked liver to a better place and I know that will help with cleaning this residual out of my system.

I will NOT say the drug is bad, it put me in a better place for about 4 years, but then I am happy enough and have found enough skills and knowledge that its just not necessary any more. I think the decision of going ON Citalopram was a step in gathering the tools necessary to help put me in the right place.

I guess more than anything, I want to share something people dont talk about except in forums.  I personally chose to GO ON and GO OFF the drug.  I knew that, going off, there would be a half life.  I recognized when I was really really tired, i would get the zaps.  ALL that brain zap stuff taught me also to fucking take care of myself.  OK< I’m tired.  GO TO BED.

I now monitor my emotions.  This is one of the skills gained wile ON Citalopram.  If something in me is triggered emotionally in a negative way, I am hyper aware of it and will do things to remedy this instead of letting it go, letting it grow into this uncontrollable whirlwind inside of me dragging me down.

I would never suggest someone just choose to go off cold turkey.  I do think it is intelligent to taper.  My choice was a strategic one made at a time where I knew I would have the support to get me through these things (mentally and emotionally).  Making those kinds of decisions means you have a very intimate and close relationship with SELF.  You would have to know those boundaries.

Sharing, that it may take 4-6 months to really be free for the average joe, and maybe even longer considering how your liver is doing and how you are living life.  So today as the brain zaps come and go, I’ll know its my liver getting rid of some of this ole junk.

Lastly, I do agree that depression can be a chemical imbalance. I also feel like depression is curable.  I have cured mine.  MY WHOLE LIFE I have had depression.  I cant remember going without my old friend depression that usually hangs out with me about 6 months out of the year.  This past year?  Not a single drop.  Not that I wasnt BLAH, or bummed, or feeling sad or whatever, but not even a month did my friend depression visit.  I know because I took control of my life and how I viewed it, that depression instead is something that yeah, I realize it was self care.  Hard to admit that when I felt overwhelmed, my initial reaction would be to pull in, to disappear, to hide (even if it didn’t show on the outside), to self care.

Once I found other ways to “self care”, such as saying NO when I need to for myself, to rest when needed. If my immune system feels weak, don’t expose myself to bacterial infected people!

Simply put, if you learn how to take care of your self, these types of medication can be eliminated.  EVEN though I believe I had a chemical balance, I think it was more emotional imbalance.

I hope hope that this can help at least one person.

a pretty sight: Vegas: not for everyone, but here are some likes.

This picture is how i’d like to remember vegas.  Its beauty and splendor.  Its replication and magnification.  I feel so tiny when walking the strip.  A block is at least a 5 minute walk and usually ONE casino resides on a full block.

things I’d like to NOT remember in vegas:

The nude 60 year old I saw as I walked out on my balcony of the “affordable” hotel i was staying at.  Affordable apparently means “clothing optional”.  I was not aware of this option, otherwise I might have chosen elsewhere.

Or the many thousands upon thousands of baseball sized cards with women’s boobies on it with the nipples starred out for a live girlie show.

Not the places where someone scratched their ass before they served your food and you have either the option of picking hepetits or food poisoning for your weightloss meal of choice.

Not the 700 people in line to get into the most hot spot in vegas to see some cartoon tool spin odd music and wear techno colors and threads and attire of the 80′s.

Not the tons of money spent on an addiction, or the nights that fade into day because there are no change in the interior lights.  Not the poverty, or the amazing amounts of water used for absolutely lush illustrious noneuseful things.

I find it rather hard to enjoy Las Vegas.  It is not for me.  And the times I visit, its for an industry related trade show filled with young men wanting to gamble, look at hot women and party.

Vegas is such crazy extravagence just burning fossil fuel, wasting brains.  That is my view and I do realize its not exactly the one Vegas would like for me to have and I”m not all that thrilled that I can like very much there.

What did i like when I have been in vegas?

I got a private viewing of the best view of the strip at the Foundation Room.  Been there too many times, though.

The show O was fantastic.

The Hard Rock is a great and inexpensive place to stay.  The penthouses are crazy, with pool tables and almost 360 views of the city.

The TAO is by far one of my all time favorite restaraunts, with the Chilean bass being a signature.  Their club is AMAAAAZING.

I love the view atop the RIO.

the Buffalo exhange there beats almost anywhere, because there are people always filing through trends.

It is fun shooting a machine gun.

there is a fantastic little (little being comparitive to large restaraunts in vegas) italian restaraunt, where the owner STILL SINGs!!  I cant remember the name but have met the owner on more than one occasion out there.

Trumps hotel doesn’t allow smoking OR children! OR GAMBLING!  all things I am cool with not allowing.

the pools i enjoy if I ever get a moment to A. be outside, and B.  its warm enough.

there is lots of sun if I ever get to see it.

You can catch a cab at any time of the 24 hour day.

quiet joy

Sometimes joy isn’t an outburst of emotion.  Sometimes it is sitting back quietly and feeling it wash over you.

Quiet joy is what i’m feeling today.  Finally the things I’ve been wanting, waiting to happen are coming to an easy fruition, lining up as if they were the stars, knowing the next step, the next play on this chessgame of life.

Quiet joy of a Sunday morning spent accomplishing little tasks that make my life better for me.  Taking the moments to appreciate what I have and what is yet to come.

The quiet joy that peace, warmth, quietude, soft music, wonderful scents, plush textures and sunshine can bring.

The quiet joy of knowing that the universe is there, the net is there.  The quiet joy of knowing the next step is the leap, the jump, the fall off the ledge, the edge.  That very moment.  The pause before the amazing ride.  This is where I sit and breathe today, lining up my future as if there was ever a question that I would do anything different.  As if its been an innate thing inside of me always guiding.  Many times to this point i have felt absolutely lost.  And I’m sure the process will run its cycle, but the clarity that joy has provided is resonnating, eminating.

Tomorrow, the jump begins.

And the seeking continues in 2012

I read this quote this morning;

“To come to know that nothing is good, nothing is bad, is a turning point; it is a conversion. You start looking in; the outside reality loses meaning. The social reality is a fiction, a beautiful drama; you can participate in it, but then you don’t take it seriously. It is just a role to be played; play it as beautifully, as efficiently, as possible. But don’t take it seriously, it has nothing of the ultimate in it.” Osho

This experience of  not being involved in the extreme emotions of life is such a surreal feeling.  Its hard not to get involved.  It is almost like being drunk if you can think of that.  Fuzzy a little.  There is a quietness about it that is not what I would consider normal.  I FEEL like i should be FEELING but its a quieter one.  It allows for redirection and adjustment.  It is also frustrating because I’m an emotional being and this is a lessening of being so emotional and dramatic.  But across the board I’m happier, so it is something that I’m going to continue to entertain.

I LOVE people passionately and I LIVE passionately more times than not, but it doesn’t mean that I am IN the despairs of life.  It means life becomes more of

Music.  To be played by you.  You are the instrument and you can choose to play however you want.  This is YOUR music, your song.  Your song is a part of the embodiement of all songs in this earth to be heard.  You can create many songs in ONE song.

I feel like I”m fine tuning my instrument.  I can write my own music.  It is not anyone elses’ song to write.

so is yours.

I took the Trash out today – 1

I’ve decided I’m going to try to do posts on days that I take the trash out and see if there is any similarity.

I did today and it was quite full, comparitively speaking, but there was a major snowstorm that happened and a major holiday.

Whatever.  I ended up having a very long conversation with a friend who is just living a complicated life.

I’m tirrrrd of complications.  I’m tirrrd of living a hard life and feeling like I need to go through hardships to really understand the endeavors of a person seeking happiness.  This rule needs to be broken. I feel that if I talk enough about it, it will just become a reality.  Why not?

Today, I took out the trash and laughed, and had playful moments and moments of reality and waiting for change to happen and all those things.  Living life.  But that conversation with my dear friend is what I’m truly grateful for.  He brought me into presence.  He was present with me.  I was able to feel good that we shared fully and openly and there was no pretention.  And I felt him relax if just for a moment.  That moment was a reflection of what i consistently want to want all the time.  That we were in flow with the moment and nothing else.

There is something incredibly relaxing about being present.  There is something that allows the moment to be shiny and perfect even in what would be considered imperfection.  (whatever imperfection is).

Christmas Spirit – Letting the spirit be with you

First year in 15 years I truly had the Christmas spirit.  I love this quote: “blessed is the holiday that brings the world together in a conspiracy of love”.  That is music to my ears.  I listened to Christmas music, I shopped the mall on a crazy day, I indulged in food and drink and talk and late nights and Christmas Family Movies, and gave more gifts and loved the snow and made jokes and laughed as loud and hard as I possibly could.  I also felt the undercurrent of sadness that seems to reside in this holiday.  I am starting to believe those feelings are souls just wanting so bad to be happy and this season really brings about the realization of how much we as humans are intertwined.

My brothers death has been so devastating to me in so many ways but I would NOT be the person I am today without all of the experiences that went along with his life and death.  And there is no way in the world he wanted me to spend years being sad over his absence.  Due to his death I had to face it in my youth and I have a completely different belief in death and its energy, and yet sometimes I miss the SHIT out of him.

But, this so long after and yes, I had viewed the christmas spirit (all the decorations, presents, cookies, carols, movies) has been sooooo materialistic, I was also able to see the true spirit even through the materialism.

This YEAR has been such a gift.  My grattitude is fully abundent. Thank you world, universe and my family of people in my life.

Footprints just a little smaller

Well, lets just get it out there that there is some significance in the holidays making people all fucked up. And this year I’m participating in the holidays way more than I usually do because i found the actual essence of the holidays touching.  so after renouncing them for many years, I have started to enjoy them.  But this year, the end of some weird era, I am also one of the weirdos.

My past has been literally knocking on my door, past boyfriends from over 20 years ago, past issues, depression waiting anxiously to have its turn, as its been dormant for almost a whole year.

Time is a man made thing and we really dont understand it or the concept without time.  Because, the past can come and just knock on your door like it was 2 minutes ago.

I was thinking this holiday season how if I was gone, there wouldn’t be too much impact in the world.  I am relatively unattached to anything materially or emotionally (children, debt, marriage).  I am not carrying any of this around which at first made me a little sad but not like suicidal.  However a friend mentioned to me that she being in a similar boat was HAPPY that she didnt have these ties, that the footprint left on the earth will be small.  I realized and rather happily that I have little attachment to worldly things.  I have been pursuing a spiritual life and if you go practice being all spiritual and shit, having baggage is something you let go of to be free.

So I am relatively very free.  And sometimes that presents a lonely life.

And this realization comes on the heels of my past coming up and slapping me around a bit, challenging me, inviting me to take on some baggage that is very old and dusty and leaves me wondering why the hell it came up.

Then I look at what is going on in my life and if this provides more opportunity to de baggage myself, I’m taking it.

Regardless of the blech in my body not wanting to deal with any part of the past. Even though MOST of the past coming up was positive in some way, the past is something you feel you put to rest and it resides nicely on a timeline….you know?

(btw:  this is  a note for myself, all of 4 of them were a flame in various points in my life dating back over a span of 30 years)

The frustration Mounts

I’m ok now.  For now.  But seriously, it is an amazing thing this life.  I thought I had finally closed the door to this rather burdensome event requiring monetary collection of a large amount from work.

its been months, but these days of promising and then finding something new to dispute when I’ve been over this situation for months.

I have had to review and re-review things over and over again.  Running numbers asking for amounts checking for errors, blahdeblahbluck……I want to vomit.  I want to run far away from this situation.  It is like that perverbial thorn in the side only this has grown nicely to the size of a dagger threatening to cut me in half.

Philisophically speaking i’m aware that this “challenge” is daring me to bend certain rules and promises of integrity to the point where I will either break down or break the rules.  Either way the rule will bend because I set it and I break it.

Phisiologically speaking we have an innate desire to be happy that has been clouded by the industrial revolution in a way.  However without the industrial revolution we would have never as humans moved from the survival mode to recognizing the innate desire for happiness.  The revolution provided more thinkers more time to ponder more freedom (freedom i use loosely in this sentence).

Now the time to move on because we are stuck in this stage as a race and we are being pulled further into working toward that innate desire, but there are all these damn claims that it has to be HARD, DARK, SERIOUS and something we would rather avoid and have done so by setting all these unfounded rules barracading ourselves into the constant pursuit of happiness while holding ourselves back by these fears set before us.

Breaking the set of rules that have existed for only a short time in the scheme of time, but that are so ingrained is what needs to happen to break that bubble into the pursuit of happiness being an OK thing, that it don’t have to be hard.  That it is easy and these burdens and material things we attach so many rules and values on will dissipate.  We think there will be no governing of this, and that we need rules and such.

make that rule a curve.  Now, how to apply that without being miserable consciously?

weirdisms

So last night was a series of events where timing was

well, interesting.

Preface: I run into this particular gentleman randomly both in denver at places and then also in my work arena at trade shows.  But where we run into eachother is random.  And usually its in places i NEVER go.  He seems to always be inebriated and kind of loud. He is a brilliant person masking his intelligence with looks, youth and booze.

Historically speaking, last night he forgot who i was when he came over, thought i was some other girl, and I had told him off several years ago.  So, we are on an even scorecard except one of us has a crush, and its not me.

Which of course I relish even though I’ve deleted his number like 5 times now.  Regardless if there is no attraction or not, its nice to know someone has a little sompin’ soompin’ for you.  Especially if its a year reminder where the boy leaves me alone for all but a few minutes or hours out of the year.

As far as energy, I do love the weirdisms that happen in life and I actually look forward to seeing this dude in a year or so. Maybe he will be sober!

 

I QUITTTTT!

Take this job and put it where I don’t need to look at it any MORE!

Oh, it is time.  The due date is here, past and stinky now. It is beyond time.  Its so beyond I think i see another galaxy approaching.  The DONE factor happened a light year ago and now i’m stagnating in the filth and stanky residue of what remains, remnants and moldy things congealing and sliming and gooing.  this is no longer a healthy environment, it is toxic and creates inertia.  I am slowly killing any self esteem I may have.

I found this quote on a resignation website and this gave me the strength to do it:

By exercising your right to quit your job and biting the hand that holds your lead, you will leave behind whatever holds you back and crushes your spirit, action that will make the world a better, more liberated place. In stark contrast, deciding to do nothing, to stay put or give in your anxiety about moving on and you become just another means for despair and stagnation to gain a firmer foothold on society and the world at large.

It does NOT logically make sense to quit right now.  It would be good closer to the summer, when I love the weather, but my gut, my instinct and my sheer unhappiness is telling me different.  You are not supposed to dwell in unhappiness.  I am, and there really is no reason.  whether i quit now or later, its still serves the same purpose.

I’m gonna do it.  today is the day.  and if not today tomorrow.  and if not tomorrow, this week.  but granted, I will have quit by the end of this week.  This sacrifice has been too long lived.